On learning how to lose with grace

Winners might take it all, but losers not really lost it all. It depends on how you look at it.

Some of you might question on whether or not one should put any focus on losing. In football, we often see the highlight of the winning goal, the one raising the championship cup, and quickly dismiss the anguish of losers. Life is hard and unforgiving, as you might still even be forgotten if you were past winners, let alone being second best. The winning mentality often makes you become sore losers, and some even celebrate it as "quality". You can listen to this podcast, and there’s the path where these two founders said all successful founders are somehow sore losers. My question:

Is being sore loser somewhat a good mentality for winning?

The sore loser attitude

There is no better place to see this attitude better than in playing computer game. I am a naturally sore loser. Ask my brother when I lost a PS3 football match during my prime. I couldn't take it, my anger took controls, I cursed and showed my rage on the controllers, shouted nasty things at my players. Then I came practice and played again. Sometimes i won, but a lot of times I lost. At some points I came to accept a new truth. Despite how I bully others, my brother can beat me at this game.

As I grew up, I learnt some simple truth below.

You can never win it all, and in fact, most of us will often experience more losses in our life

Watching the series Suits today, I see Rachel being a sore loser, for not getting to Harvard, despite everyone around her is from there. She beat herself up like Harvard is the only school worth going. She can't handle the rejection and think she isn't good enough. That's what a loss can do to us. We suddenly realize we are quite small and can fail like everyone else. We are not special as we think we are. Our projected image shatters into many broken pieces, leaves us crying in a messy reality of where we currently are.

But we need to let it go.

If you want to level up your game, you'll need to face a better opponent, who will beat you up for you to learn. The opponent can be a person or a situation, something that you cannot control. And if you watch enough football like me, even mighty players like Ronaldo and Messi have lost, big times.

Therefore, if you keep beating yourself up in each loss, either you have not lost enough, or you'll lose your minds each time.

Why don't you focus on the future if you can't change the past?

And the trick isn't about zooming in the future (beccause you won't believe it no more).

It's about feeling the present and accept your current defeat.

Picking yourself up

If you read my post here, you understand there is no such things as a complete win or a definite loss. Everything is just a frame you adopt for the present. The win of yesterday can be so small to a loss today. The failure of today can breed success for tomorrow.

The question therefore, isn't the results win or loss. It's how you deal with it.

Learn to become more resilient. Stay humble, focus and prepare yourself for the next win. Don't be just a sore loser, but use this as an opportunity to fuel your drive and plan your comeback.

Go back to my story about Fifa. My brother started to get arrogant and I once wanted to beat him so badly. I practiced with FIFA ultimate team, like he once did, and he used to got to First Division. And since my team was new in Ninth Division, I got a losing goal every 05 minutes of game time. Imagine you play first 30 minutes and you got 5-0 beat. You can always quit the game and lose 3-0. But I chose to suffer. And yet I got beaten, to the point I stopped counting. I even quietly observed the other players humiliated me after scoring with crazy “buffoon” celebrations. Because I knew I wanted to beat him, and he beat this level.

Then something happened to me. Let's not play to win. Let's play so mean that makes other guys suffer. I tried to hold the ball, passed around, practiced possession, forgot the score. Or at least, try to score just one goal. I suddenly find the joy in not losing the ball for 05 minutes straight, to feel happy for a 7-1 whooping.

And believe it or not, I got better. I did not remember how I pull it through 3rd Division, and experience consecutive wins. I sure as hell remember the losing days. And I almost beat my brother. Something like a 4-3 lost. It's a lost for game but a win for me.

And I realize this key strategy when you want to pick yourself up:

"Start small, focus on the little thing"

Final Notes

Life is full of ups and downs. One door closes, another will open. Your next opportunity will come, you just need to focus to get it. Take control of what's in your circle of influence.

Angel Di Maria used to be on top, winning the Champion League La Decima with Real Madrid. After this huge win, he got a record transfer to Man United. We all knew the story. He became a flop there and moved to PSG. Though he did better there, I thought he would’ve never experienced the same career height. Until he did this.

Losing can make you feel like everything's lost. But if you can accept, observe and reflect, it is actually teaching you a lot more than a win. A big win isn't built in a day. Your next big win might take root from the failure that you feel today, in way you have never imagined.

So don't be just a sore loser, be a loser with grace. Accepting defeat, start small to move forward to your new journey in becoming a winner.

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#WOTN5

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